So another week has gone by, & I’m not gonna lie, it’s been a toughie for me – I made reference to it in a probably now I think about it, silly desperate mid week blog, & I’ll go back to it later ….. To the here & now first, & this blog isn’t just for people with problems, it’s also for people without them, to learn about them – one thing I know for sure, you never know when it’s about to hit you!
– Anyone who has it, who knows someone else who has it, or just knows something about #ClinicalDepression will know it’s a daily struggle just to get out of bed (if I even make it that far at night) in the morning – so if you then add my #Fibro/#ME/#CFS/#Ekbons/#CarpelTunnel/#Arthritis & other illnesses to the mix, you can probably imagine, it’s incredibly hard to find ANY reason, let alone motivation each day …. but I do seem to keep getting on with it ……
I keep myself going with my own lil kind of ‘Daily Mantra’ …… I remind myself that it was only 9 months ago when, & God only knows how, but I managed to find the strength & determination, despite being in pure, raw misery & surrounded by nothing but negativity, & painful memories – (people say I was brave – I say I had no choice) to not just move away from my home county & every one I knew & loved, but to move SO far away, that I when I finally arrived, I was right at the other end of the country, & a total stranger to both my new town & the people of it – not much has changed there tbh.
The fact is, I did bloody do it, & as I’ve said before, despite all I’ve been through (& I’m not writing an #Autobiog for nothing!) I am still here, so having got through all the shit & to come out alive (just!) there’s no way (atm anyway) I’m gonna give in to either the constant physical pain I’m in, or the emotional pain that has a permanent residency in my broken heart (I’ve locked that bit away for safe keeping), so I do keep myself going (& on many days I don’t wanna listen!) & my lil mantra is actually quite simple but v effective & true ….. !!
**I HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE HOPE, & AT LEAST TRY TO CARRY ON** … you can use it too …
So, back to week just gone (if I’m all over the place this week, please forgive me, I’m in the pain I’m just gonna tell you about, plus I’ve now had no sleep!!) & unfortunately as a new one starts, I’m STILL gripped by #PMT
– Physically I’ve literally been doubled over from #Endometriosis pain (indeed it woke me at 3am this morning, hence writing now) I have my ‘monthly mastitis’ as I call it (not helped by my 2 girls climbing on me which makes me scream at them!) & then just feeling SO bloated (added to the recent mass weight gain I’ve talked about, & I feel like an enormous giant hippo!!).
– Mentally my insecurity, impatience & paranoia is filling & consuming me with doubt about doing this, or indeed any other blog successfully (as you’ll know if you read my mid-week panic post on FB), which in turn makes me terribly emotional, & there’s been tears of frustration too!!
I’m trying & wanna address it lightly cos I never like to show how insanely insecure I am, but I promised I’d be open from the start, so there’s the truth – but in order to control it – I NEED more reader’s!!
I said I was doing this, (& #Autobiog) to try & help other’s going through what I have, but I can’t help ANYONE if they’re not seeing this!!
It’s incredible & I’m truly amazed to have over 1K follower’s on Twitter now, but I do wonder why they follow, &/or if they actually read my tweets cos despite throwing a few tweets out at different times with the name & links given, they never get more than a couple of RT’s, so the fact is, not even 10% of my follower’s have even ‘Liked’ my FB page, & although I’m not sure about WordPress cos I’m still v new to it myself, I’m pretty sure I’ve even less reader’s on there!!
I know some of you tell me to keep plugging it, but I’m not one of those celeb’s that do that all the time (& certainly don’t have anywhere near the followers they do!) nor do I have the confidence I (at least pretended!) I once had – it’s REALLY hard trying to ‘sell myself’ in my old age, so here’s where you guys come in ….. !!
To the lovely few that ARE helping, TYSM, but now I’m asking ALL OF YOU, IF YOU WANT ME TO KEEP GOING, I NEED YOUR HELP PLEASE!! Tell your friends, your friend’s friends, your family, all your peeps on ALL your social networks etc, etc – with it now available on both FB & WordPress.com (Tumblr too if I can get past registration!) ANYONE can access it, BUT if I AM to keep going, more readers are IMPERATIVE, not just to DEFEAT my insecurity’s – so I can write & tell you more about them!! So, I’m relying on BOTH of us, that sounds fair, doesn’t it?!
Lastly, before I finish up (sorry if it’s a bit long for your liking, do please let me know, make comments, ask Q’s etc), I just wanted to touch on a subject that’s been discussed a lot in the media this week, & brought back some horrendous memories as it was something I was subjected to for 2yrs – #PsychologicalDomesticAbuse. I wish it had been considered a crime back then, but cos it wasn’t, I want everyone to know, ESP with the law now recognising it can be just as harmful as #PhysicalAbuse
– IT IS WRONG, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT, & THE LAW IS ON YOUR SIDE!!
It is an evil & devious crime, committed by sick & controlling bastards!! As with so many of the stories I’ve heard &/or read about in the media, it was pretty much a text book case, I was systematically abused in this way, starting subtly by him not wanting me to go out without him, rather the 2 of us just stay in together all the time, then gradually making sure I lost all my friends, & so as not to bore anyone (I’ll talk more about it next time if anyone wants me to), I’ll just say that he had everyone fooled apart from me & the friends I lost – my family loved him, parents thought the sun shone out his backside no matter what I said, though I was too afraid to actually say much, but he got to me so badly I became absolutely terrified of my own thoughts, in case he could somehow read my mind – I remember it SO clearly.
I put up with it all through my pregnancy, but once my son was born, my sudden unconditional love for him also gave me some sudden strength to finally kick the bastard out (much to the disapproval of my family & his) & once I’d done it, I can’t even explain how empowered I felt – it didn’t matter what anyone thought, I was a mother with a son to bring up, & he was all I cared about ….. 💓
IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED IN THIS WAY, OR YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS, PLEASE REPORT IT ASAP & SUPPORT THE VICTIM COS THEY’LL BELIEVE IT’S THEIR FAULT!! 😤
Thanks again for listening to me rambling away, & have a great week xx
P.S. PLS DONT FORGET TO SPREAD THE WORD, TWEET IT, RT IT, POST IT ON YOUR WALL, ETC, ETC, I’M RELYING ON YOU!! TY!! 😊 #MJsWorld
MJ's World 